Disclaimer: The authors of Liberal Arts Leftovers do not recommend people sitting on their ass all day watching television. We do recommend healthy dosages of television at least once daily to ensure sanity within a parental environment.
After college, there seems to be a universal panic moment for all graduates. Millions of questions enter our brains: ”What am I doing with my life?” “How will I ever become a fully functioning individual when I have no money?” “How do I find a job when I have no connections?” and “Why is that kid licking the sidewalk?!”
I can’t tell you why the kid is licking the sidewalk, other than the fact you will encounter many more strange occurrences in the real world once you begin interacting with society in general. But I can tell you that watching Daytime television is what you should be doing with your life.
Nothing tops the graduation cake more than moving back home to find yourself in your Eskimo pajamas on a Tuesday afternoon watching ”Simply Ming” on PBS (which I’m sure no one has heard of besides 75 year old women who also stay home during the day) while the rest of the productive world is at work.
Really, those older men living in their parents’ basement give stunted personal growth a bad name. You don’t need to collect creepy figurines of cats made out of rabbit hair or conduct obscure science experiments in your parents’ basement once you move back home. That lifestyle is reserved for those that cut their hair by the light of their computer and wonder why no one clicks “yes” on their dating site.
You just can’t find a job.
Therefore, all you need is a little medicinal television. A whole day’s worth of television watching is like GOB’s Forget-Me-Now pills. Instead of asking yourself what you want to do after college or how you’re going to stay a well-rounded individual while still living at home, just relax and soak up the fake world that Daytime television has created. You’ll begin to like your life a bit more compared to the people on “Jerry Springer” or “The Hills.” At least you didn’t cheat on your baby’s daddy with your mother’s boyfriend, right?
In fact, I recommend thinking of your newly acquired skill of Daytime television watching as an asset to finding a job. An asset of gaining perspective. After all, your family has to come back home from their busy days at work at some point. And at that time, they’ll want to know what you did with your time.
It’s always nice to be able to say, “I learned a new skill, Mom and Dad.”
But keep in mind that your parents might not understand. Because, after all, they weren’t sitting at home all day watching Daytime television to know any worse case scenarios that could have taken place. They’ll never know of the socially inept basement dweller you could have been. Therefore, I recommend to never actually tell your parents what skill you actually learned. Make them guess it was something to do with Business administration or Industrial management.
-The Boxcar Children
