How to Get an “A” in an English Class Without Really Trying

 

A post dedicated for those who are still in college…

I know that most people who read this post will be skeptical of my claim that a few simple tricks will improve your English grade. However, I guarantee that you will melt the heart of your English professor by employing these simple tactics, and you will be well on your way to getting that elusive, condescending English-major “voice” that will earn you respect and an “A.”

Use big words. Go ahead and be a sesquipedalian! Use big words, even if you have no idea what they mean. My philosophy is that the more letters there are in a word, the less likely it is that your teacher will be 100% sure of the definition. The thesaurus on Microsoft Word is a good tool and your friend—or rather, it’s an advantageous device and an invaluable comrade.

Use tons of adjectives. I once conducted an informal experiment where for one semester, I used “poignant” as an adjective at least once in my paper for all my papers. I got an “A” on all my papers that semester. And in response to my biology teacher’s claim that cells can’t be poignant… um…yeah they can.

Find symbolism. In everything. Nothing impresses your professor more or elevates your status among your peers like finding symbolism in a work. Explain the symbolism of “attendance policy” on your professor’s syllabus to the class. Nod knowingly when your professor wears a “Gap Athletic Department” and explain its symbolism and its role in society. Be creative.  You’re in an English class—anything you say is valid if you support it enough.

Use post-its. Whatever book you’re reading for your lit class, cover the pages with post-its sticking out haphazardly. Better still is to listen for when someone references a minor plot point, and then have your face light up and start frantically thumbing through pages. If your professor calls you out on it, thumb through a few more pages and then regretfully and dramatically sigh and say, “I’m still looking for a page number.”

Bide your time in class discussions. Wait for the “BS point”—that point in the class discussion when it’s possible to raise your hand and contribute something to the discussion that doesn’t require knowledge of what you’re actually learning in class. Personal anecdotes or stories a perfect way to get participation points without having to know anything or contribute anything of substance to the discussion.

Reference a “classic.” Name drop whenever possible. “This reminds me of Tolstoy’s use of commas in Anna Karenina…”

Use semicolons. Who cares if you use semi-colons incorrectly? It’s much more impressive if you use the mysterious semicolon when a period would suffice.

Quantity over Quality. Quality over quantity? Please. When in doubt, just add length. Change the font, the margins, the spacing between the lines, expand character spacing, or add a huge heading. Get that extra length. 

Use the “History Channel” voice. Whenever you see someone on the history channel, historians are always talking in a condescending and authoritative voice. It doesn’t matter what you say—it matters how you say it. Say in a confident voice that C.S. Lewis was actually a rabbit and say it with authority.

…I’m only half-joking.

~Nancy Drew