I am a little ashamed to admit that in all my time as a young adult, I’ve never gone on a “true” float trip. Of course I’ve been canoeing and camping in my Girl Scout cookie selling days, but never while shouting, “I’ll show you my titties if you give me a beer!” across the river to a canoe full of cut-off t-shirts and mullets.
And I still haven’t. Even though I just got back from what was supposed to be an actual float trip, there were a few key ingredients missing to make it an actual, “I’m drunk on a floating watercraft” experience.
First of all, if you are unfamiliar with the logistics of a float trip, let me explain: A float trip is a type of vacation that mostly younger adults go on, consisting of a group of people floating down the river in a raft or canoe for several hours while drinking, eating, cat calling, and water-fighting each other. It’s pretty much a floating fraternity party.
But if you are like me, and missed the memo on how to prepare for a float trip, here are a few necessary ingredients to creating the perfect float trip experience:
- Wear clothes or bathing suits that do not fit you properly. The bigger the ass-crack cleavage, the better.
- Bring enough beer for all members of the float trip party to have more than two beers. It helps to be drunk while viewing said ass-cracks.
- Get a tattoo. And shout alot. Even if you have nothing to talk about.
- Beer bongs are also necessary items to have in your canoe…for status, if nothing else.
- If you ignored suggestion #2, at least pretend like you’re drunk. If not, you’ll be what Sesame Street likes to sing as “One of these things is not like the other.”
- Bring water ammo. You may not realize a float trip is synonymous with piracy, but if you don’t have some sort of water gun to defend yourself, you will be ambushed with nothing but your girlish screams to defend yourself.
- Just float. If you paddle your water vehicle, you will make what was supposed to be a six-hour trip into a four-hour trip. And being the first person to finish a float trip is like being the kid who came to a house party three hours early with a note taped to their shirt saying, “Do not feed me ice cream.”
- It is a little known fact that some of the most sketchy men are looking to get themselves hitched on canoe trips. Don’t accept any of these proposals or propositions. No matter how shiny their Mardi Gras beads are.
- Always check to see if the the Port-A-Potty seat is up before using it. No matter how dark it is. Just do it.
- Leave your flip-flops in the boat while trying to push off from shore. If not, you’ll spend a large majority of your time searching farther down the river for a black size nine.
- Most importantly, wear sunscreen, drink water regularly, and always look both ways before crossing the street.
Once you’ve taken these suggestions into consideration, get ready for the best fraternity/back woods party you’ve ever had. Because if you don’t act like a drunken idiot now, you’ll just look like an old, creepy drunken idiot ten years down the line.
-The Boxcar Children
