I recently came upon a blog that actually made me have a little bit of hope for my career future.  The post was entitled “10 Ways Generation Y Will Change the Workplace,” so of course I’m going to like it.  I’m just that vain. 

Anyway, the reason I began to dance around in my head with joy was because the article described a workplace I’d actually want to work in.  One where I can still be with my family (when I have one) and make a living.  One where I don’t have to wait until I’m in a wheelchair with slobber running down my face for retirement (why not have six mini-retirements throughout your working career?) 

Some companies seem to already get the fact that people would rather be home with their children and Oprah than go to work.  So some companies have already created programs where new parents can bring their children to work.  Others have built-in policies that children can come to work if it’s an emergency.  And best yet, some companies allow their employees to work from home (Soap Operas and all).

This is progress.  But why not take this to the extreme and just say to heck with work?

I would like a work policy that allows me to have 100% absent days, and be paid just for being this awesome.  Which would be alot of money.  Because I’m alot of awesome.  And so are you. (note: this could be the title of a self-help book, and if not, it should be.) 

-The Boxcar Children

I just found a page that gives advice to college graduates, which would be fine if it was helpful at all, but instead I found it unintentionally humorous.

The first decision to make after you graduate is pretty simple. What do you want to do with your life? Life after college can be difficult if you do not have a direction in which you want to go. Hopefully you want to pursue a career choice that coincides with your college major. After deciding what career path you want to follow, put together a plan and get started!

What? Deciding what to do with your life is simple?  That’s a news flash to me.  As far as I knew, people change careers at least once or twice in their briefcase-toting lives (probably an understatement).  And it’s not because they loved their job so much they wanted to get a new one.

First of all, it would not be my “first decision” to decide what I want to do with the rest of my life.  That’s too much to ask of someone.  That’s like asking a monkey to tell us the meaning of life.  It’s great if you ARE one of those people who has always known what you wanted to do, but if you’re not, don’t sweat it.  Just find a way to be happy and support yourself.

Secondly, this Generation Y/ Millenial generation has some different economic trends to consider than previous generations.  We can’t ignore the fact that we ARE in a recession.  If you’ve looked at the classifieds lately, you’ll notice that most of the jobs listed are for administrative assistants, nurses, child care providers, and drivers.  Three months ago, the classifieds were spotted with a few editing, graphic arts, marketing, and advertising jobs in addition to the above.  Now, my guess is that employers are filling those positions internally in order to save money.  Not to mention that a $2 gallon of gas is a thing of the past. 

Secondly, our generation is going to be responsible for our own retirement.  Unlike our grandparents’ generation, our generation is going to have to save our own money by investing in our company’s 401k or 403b or an IRA…or inheriting it all from some great-uncle Alfred…or marrying really rich (has anyone seen the Prince of Monaco around lately?!).  Social Security, who? is how it’s all going to go down.

Lastly, I just wanted to rant about how some Life After College advice givers think that giving the most obvious advice is really going to help a person, when I think they’re really missing the point as to why this time is so difficult for so many people.  Understandably, I get that my words won’t give some sort of “light bulb” advice to my readers. I write so that other people know that there’s one other person out there who admits that this world is a crazy-ass place. 

I trust that my readers comprehend the fact that after college, figuring out what you want to do with your life would be ideal.  But it’s not simple.  Some people go their entire lives not knowing what they want to do.  Which isn’t necessarily reassuring, but at least I’m writing to let you know that we’re two confused liberal arts leftovers together, and not writing about “if you follow these six simple steps, you will not even be remotely disenchanted with the real world.  And you will get free cookies every day.  And the clouds will rain honey.”  Although, I’d rather it rained pancakes.  Like the book “Cloudy With a Chance of Meatball.”

-The Boxcar Children

Let’s think about the amount of changes that could occur to a young person like yourself in 12 months.

1. You could get a haircut (although I hear the woolly mammoth look is in).
2. You could change careers/jobs/positions.
3. You could have a baby/get married/die/find $5 (let’s clump all those drastic life events together).
4. You could win the lottery or lose your job.
5. You could go back to school (gaining an ever-mounting loan debt).
6. The world could end.

…Alot can happen in 12 months, so signing a year-long lease with a realtor can be a big step in a young fabulous and broke (thanks Suze Orman, for that title…) adult’s life.

Since I just signed my very own 12 month lease with my oh-so-adult hand today, I can’t really give you any advice of what to do when apartment searching (I never promised I knew anything about anything).  But I can give you a few reassuring suggesting because I’m full of those:

• Above all, make sure you feel comfortable with the place you are renting.  If it doesn’t feel right, don’t commit to it.
• Check for trails of rats or rat droppings leading toward your apartment door.  Especially hairless rats.  Nothing’s worse than a hairless rat in your bed.  Except for a snake in your toilet.
• It’s important that you know you can pay your rent.  Apartment realtors tend to frown on not having money.

Although you might not know what you’re going to be doing in 12 months, at least with a 12-month lease, you’ll know you’ll be doing whatever it is you’re doing in that apartment.  With non-hairless rats.  Otherwise called hairy rats.

-The Boxcar Children

This is how I look while typing.

Just because the rest of the world isn’t liberal artsy, doesn’t mean it can’t be spread to all aspects of your life.  This entry is to convince you of this.  So be prepared and hold steady for the ride of your life (and by life, I mean, this is probably a really lame metaphoric ride).

You could begin to think of your life like an overly-hyped artsy movie, where taking out the trash could present a moment to ponder the artistic achievement of a trash bag.  Going to the grocery store may be the Manet to your Gouda.  Or writing an errand list could be the next William Carlos Williams (who does he think he is? William Williams). 

But if you don’t want to spread the Arts in an “I’m a dreamer with a lot of feelings” kind of way, perhaps the following example can help you find your liberal arts Nirvana in the real world.

Recently, a co-worker of mine donated a bad-ass old electric typewriter to the Activities Department (after one of the old ladies confusedly asked to apply for a typing job at the nursing home).  I saw my chance to spread the liberal arts with that typewriter.  It was my portal to stories and grammar and all things writing.  And what’s more artistic than the look of typeset on a clean white page?

Absolutely nothing.

So, being the writer that I am, I decided to take the typewriter around to some of the residents, and we would type whatever they wanted to type or have written…beautiful liberal arts typing sounds reverberating throughout the nursing home.  The sound of punctuation and “i before e except after c” knocking over all the adult diapers and medication cups.

That typewriter was the Manet to my Gouda.  And one way, among many, to bring what you love into what you have to do to get paid.

The following story is by a 90-something year old former high school English teacher with pretty severe dementia: 

If I could do anything, I’d travel the United States, starting in the middle and go where it’s a little bit cool…but not too cool.

I would read a lot, because that doesn’t take anybody else’s time.  And then I would talk about whatever we’ve been talking about that day.  And then I’d be ready for a little nap…which is just about now.

I’d dream about I don’t know what.  I have all kinds of dreams.  I used to wake up and find everything in its place…find my shoes, best of all.  I usually find them, but they have to get a broom to get them out.  No one ever claims of pushing them under the bed.

I think that’s good.  Now I’m ready for my nap.

-The Boxcar Children

Directly after college, it seems that a large number of individuals feel the need to purchase jewelry.  I mean, why else would you get married right after college?  I understand that this need to purchase jewelry is great…people like shiny (how do you think Disco became so popular?), but for all of you thinking about purchasing jewelry immediately after college, think a little more.

I understand it’s cool to be “that girl” with a veil of gift bows on top of your head at the swankiest place you know (that’s right, I said ’swanky’), but I’m sure you would look equally cool with a Daniel Boone hat on your head.  And that dignity-buster comes marriage-free. 

Now, now.  I’m not advocating that all jewelry-lovers refrain from ever consenting to their urges, because marriage can be pretty cool.  After all, it’s the only way babies can be born, right?  I’m merely suggesting that you look at what life after college is like before bringing another individual into the picture.

Read On For Worst Analogy Ever:

Here’s person A right after college, wondering if he should have a big, demonic bonfire for his textbooks or clutch tightly to them, whispering sweet nothings about how much he misses his classes. 

Either way, he’s standing in a metaphoric pile of mud (where’d that come from?!), unsure where steady ground is.  (But perhaps he’s standing in real mud too, in which case, he should probably step to the side.)

And if we do a simple math problem and add another, equally clueless person B to stand in a pile of mud (people really need to learn where to walk…), then we just have two very muddy people.

One of two things can go down:  Either both of the mud piles harden at the same time, and both A & B are standing on solid ground (here’s hoping for all those people’s wedding albums that keep popping up on my Facebook newsfeed). 

Or A & B become even muddier individuals. 

So why not wait until the ground hardens under your own feet before bringing a jewelry-bedazzled hand into the picture?  And let’s face it, standing on solid ground is far more alluring to other people than standing in a pile of mud.

But then again, what do I know?  For better information, go ask the 5% of married people that make it to their 50th wedding anniversary.  If they can hear you above their selective listening, as my grandma likes to say.

-The Boxcar Children

Let’s paint a picture of life in college:  We’re all sitting around on a blanket in the middle of <insert your college campus>, talking about Nietzsche/Heidegger/Wordsworth/the importance of duct tape in a glue-less world…what have you.  It’s sunny, the world feels like it’s yours, and every word that comes out of your mouth is theoretical.  We know this realm.  It’s comfortable, and it’s ours.

Then, let’s look at reality: You’re standing in a corner at your cousin’s fifth birthday, watching as adults try to distract their children from eating the cake before the birthday song.  Some older adult approaches you and asks something like, “How do you like your first job?” or “What are you planning after this?” and your brain is over here, trained to be thinking of the theoretical, so you say something ambiguous like, “What is the real meaning of work in a meaningless world?” 

And that’s when you realize the two worlds don’t fit neatly together.  With your sarcastically emo/pretentious response, you get a quizzical nod from the interrogating older adult, showing that you should have said something like, “I plan on going to graduate school after this…” or “My job is really rewarding” (regardless if that’s your plan or that’s how you feel…because, really they’re just asking because they don’t know what else to ask.)

And afterall, you don’t know what to ask back, so you should always stick with what you know: People like to talk about themselves (unless you don’t know what you’re doing with your life).  Therefore, a safe question is a statement-question combo (double knock out!): “Wow, your kids are growing so fast! How old are they now?”  Regardless if they have children or not.  Or, “Wow, I really like your haircut, where do you get it cut?” Regardless if it looks like your aunt Mildred’s hair was eaten by a skunk.  Guaranteed awkward-breakers.

So the moral of this story: Always use statement-question combos when speaking to adults.  The more questions you ask, the less time they have to ask you questions.  And aren’t questions a little like the theoretical…of life?

-The Boxcar Children

For all of you out there who are the lowest of the low at work, look forward to working on holidays.

You may have graduated with a 4.0 GPA in college, but that’s not going to pick the popcorn off the floor at your new “big person” job.

(The popcorn in question for this context is from a party I threw for the residents at my nursing home.  No, I’m not quite old enough to live in a nursing home, but I am just barely old enough to work at one.)

Have no fear, though!  You may be working holidays…and any other day other people don’t want to work, but you can move up quickly if you work hard.  I make every minute count at my job, making sure I am constantly doing above and beyond what I need to be doing, and that has gotten me recognition from the “top boss” at my work (and I’ve only worked here a month…not to brag or anything…)

So, just know that working hard pays off…even though it doesn’t pay for holidays off.  Or lake houses.  Or diamonds.  Or cruises.  But it does pay for iced coffee.  And that’s something.

-The Boxcar Children

I’m sure it comes off as common sense that you’re going to meet a lot of people that think differently than you do in the world.  I’m sure you already have.  Maybe you’re even meeting them right now.  At this very moment.  Surprise!

But the thing is, these people with all of their different-ness seem to multiply when you graduate college.  There’s no longer that net called “liberal arts” capturing all of those people that I like to call “indifferent to knowledge.” 

I work with this woman who’s only conversational point in any context is “everybody’s different.”  And although we might be talking about the quality of cheese on her sandwich, it still leads back to “everybody’s different.”  And even though I hear this every day, she has a point.  Everyone is different.

Once you’re no longer defined by the college logo on your t-shirt that’s been sitting, balled-up next to your laundry basket for two weeks because you’re not sure when it’s appropriate to wear t-shirts anymore, you realize you have to find a new way to define yourself.

Are you going to be the graduate school student?  The entry-level job employee? The homeless bum on the side of the highway? The bartender that’s been “figuring out” their lives for the last four years?  The person that cuts a break and ends up being infinitely needed in all business decisions at the company they started themselves?

I can’t tell you who or what you should be, because as my co-worker would say, “everybody’s different!”  But I can tell you that regardless which path you walk, you will be guaranteed to meet someone that will make you question the rest of the world’s intellect.  And it’s during these instances that you have to chalk their ignorance up to a faulty education system or being dropped on the head at birth. 

So give yourself a pat on the back for being a liberal arts leftover, head unscathed and educationally open.

-The Boxcar Children

Because yesterday’s post made it sound like life after college is meaningless without some great escape to another country, let me just clarify that there are many joys in growing older and graduating college.

The Big Bad List of Why You Should Love Life Without Textbooks:

1. You will never have to experience any more “silent hours” for final exams.
2. You can plan for your future. (Which really sounds lame in writing, but when you’re 65, you’ll probably be thanking yourself for setting some money aside.)
3. You actually have money to buy things! Like name brand cereals! And real people clothes!  (This one is quite exciting.)
4. You can get a pet. (No more feeding the stray cats in the neighborhood that college students from years past left behind.)
5. You can get your very own place to live.  (No more creepy roommates who watch you sleep…unless you were that roommate…)
6. You can make a difference.  (This one is majorly cheesy, but really, you can find a job that you’re actually doing something important…not just taking drink orders or folding another GAP t-shirt.)
7. You can show people your college diploma.  (In fact, I’m sure people would appreciate it if you brought it with you to every social gathering you’re invited to…and then not invited to.)
8. You can apply for jobs that require a Bachelor’s degree.  (That ‘B.A. in ___ required’ is written just for you!)
9. You can use the phrase, “Well, when I was in college…” (Followed by the phrase, “I used to watch fourteen episodes of ‘American’s Next Top Model’ in a row.”)
10. You can eat other food groups than pizza.  (But pizza is still a good choice.)

And my overuse of bolded text is not a side-effect of graduating college (scientists are still trying to work that one out…along with the title of this entry), so never fear, life after college is not all bad.

…And if anyone has any better positive spins to give adulthood, please comment. 

-The Boxcar Children

If you’re reading this, you’ve most likely found yourself in a bored stupor, so you will know what I’m talking about in the next few paragraphs.  I’m talking about the absolute lost boredom that follows graduating college.

I’m sure we all feel it.  None of us want to grow up to be a UPS driver or a data entry specialist.  But for most of us, this will be our first “real” job (unless you’re a millionaire…in which case, reply to this entry with your phone number!). Sitting in rush hour traffic watching Hummer drivers pretend America isn’t going through a gas crisis becomes the lethargic travesty all entry-level job workers must face (unless you work the graveyard shift…or don’t work).

So what should you do?

GO TO EUROPE!

Even just a minute on foreign soil (even Canada) will make you feel like you’re not completely wasting your life.  Like all those not-so-crazy aunts and uncles say, “do it while you’re young!”  If you don’t, you’ll have to enjoy the Sistene Chapel in a wheelchair or through hot flashes.  And neither are conducive to traveling. 

So do it, and then you get to see things like:

And this:

-The Boxcar Children